Scared, but not Petrified (I hope)
Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get back where I belong
I think you’re crazy, maybe
I think you’re crazy, maybe
I will see you in the next life
Radiohead – Motion Picture Soundtrack (click to download)
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I’m not so sure if there is a more romantic moment in songwriting history than to say, “I will see you in the next life.” There is nothing beyond that, and it all culminates to that moment. No matter the loved ones you have lost, you will (hopefully) lay claim to the fact that this time is not the end. I am encouraged to know that I will not feel as though you’re gone forever. Maybe for this side of eternity I will miss out, but I know it’s not forever. And by the time I get to heaven, I’ll be perfectly content no matter what.
I’m just trying to feel that way in the here and now.
I so greatly wanted to see The Swell Season in Dallas tonight. I had tickets and everything, but that opportunity was drawn to a close. I ask God what He’s doing, and I say that I want to be in on the plan. I am having such a hard time being grateful for the hard times, you know? And I’ve had a sore throat for a few weeks now, and it really does make me a little bit frustrated. 
Oh, and I don’t say this so you can think how awesome/dedicated/desperate I am, because I’m not, but I fasted from all food today, and I will continue to do so until the proper time. I am drinking water and abstaining from all food until I feel like God has completed me in this time. I have never done this before, and I’ve been reading about why people fast, and the things that God would expect from you in that time.
…which leads me to say that I think the book of Job is so very interesting. It details the sovereignty of God, and Job, for the most part, handles his grief with flying colors. He drifts toward whining, but I think he would be more entitled to that than anybody else I know. I feel like I’m at a point where nothing is under my control. I feel like God is, for whatever reason, turning my life inside out and undoing so many things. Let’s see some verses:
Job 9:27,28 (NASB):
“Though I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will leave off my sad countenance and be cheerful,’ I am afraid of all my pains, I know that You will not acquit me.”
That is what I was referring to in my last blog. God typically does not remove things from my life when I ask Him to. Usually there is a specific reason for prolonging an intense situation, a result that somehow makes me stronger in the end? I should surely hope so.
I think it is such a problem that so many Christians think that it’s wrong for God to do whatever He wants. That’s the nature of who He is–He can do whatever He wants because He knows what’s best, and you certainly do not know.
Job 13:15,18 (NASB):
“Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him. Behold now, I have prepared my case; I know that I will be vindicated.”
Job felt as though He was being slayed, and that no matter what, he would be eventually vindicated. I know that no matter how badly I suffer, that God will bring about the right conclusion from all of this. I must be patient and tell Him how I feel, but I put my hope and confidence in His best judgment.
Finally, I’m learning that I can see that even amidst devastation, that God is working to bring about great things through me and others.
Job 19:25-27 (NASB):
“As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth. Even after my skin is destroyed, yet from my flesh I shall see God; Whom I myself shall behold, and whom my eyes will see and not another.”
I love the power of Christ that is represented there. No matter the outcome of life, it all eventually leads to His power over earth. All I can do is give in and bank on that outcome. This all reflects the complete sovereignty of God, and that nothing can thwart Him.
Please pray for me as I come to grips with this reality. Many of you know that I’m going through a supremely challenging time in my life, and God has made me lose so much, but I’m praying that instead of living with regret and heartache that rather I can be peaceable and thankful for my circumstances. I know that God is not in the business of screwing people over, the ones that truly love God and follow His commandments. I’m learning to love Christ and to love all no matter what happens.
I am too learning to accept great things and to accept hardships. This is the most powerful truth I have encountered in the Bible in a long, long time. I pray that you’ll heed God’s warnings and not wait until God takes rather obvious measures to get your attention.
I’m so glad that I’m more emotional about Christ now. Worship truly penetrates my very core because I know why I sing and where my thoughts are going. Though I wish I would never have had to make these mistakes and learn from that experience, I am truly in love with my God, now, and I would not change a thing that led to me getting here. I wouldn’t change a single mistake, any heartache or judgment because I would in turn avoid the greatest thing that’s happened to me in forever.
I feel so very vulnerable right now.
The One Most Radiant
My energy comes from
Faded photographs I’ve held onto
But I still believe
In the way it used to be
I had a dream
To live an extraordinary life
The day you found me
Surreal, I felt so real
Maybe love will come our way
Hearts on fire can feel the same
Water running through my veins
Maybe love will come our way
Radiant – Kid With a Knife (click to download)
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In the movie “Waking Ned Divine”, a character gets to go to his living funeral–where people know he’s going to soon pass away, but he goes to his ‘funeral’ still alive. I have always been interested in that kind of idea and the feelings it could suggest for me. In principle, a person attending a living funeral should be feeling the deep sorrow of losing their friend/loved one, but then when they see that person at the funeral, they say, “Why do I have to feel like I’ve lost you by death, but I can still see you right on front of me?”
That’s how I feel right now.
1 John 4:18 (Amplified Translation) says:
“There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].”
Such an interesting and powerful phrase: “For fear bring with it the thought of punishment”. I have been living in fear the past few months. I have been desperate, and I have certainly been shaken by uncertainties. I don’t like to be stricken with fear, a Christian cerebral palsy condition. I try to let God just flow in and through me, but He doesn’t just take things away, you know. I’m finding that God prolongs certain events/feelings in order to drive home a point a little later on down the road (whether minutes, days or months at a time). It is important that I realize that I have not yet reach the full maturity of love because I have not yet learned how to live without fear. Even still, I feel so much better equipped to love all of you more than I ever have before.
I was stricken with fear on Friday when I got a phone call from her. I was planning to take her to a concert in Dallas to see The Swell Season, the people behind the movie Once (best film of 2007 maybe?), but that fell apart for very legitimate reasons. It kind of put a damper on the fact that I was en route to see the band Spiritualized at the Meridian in Houston with my brothers. I felt, at the time, that God was drawing things to a close. I felt like walls were closing in very fast.
To make a long story very short, I ended up driving to Denton to have a conversation with her, and then an hour later I turned around and drove back to Beaumont. I got three hours of sleep last night, and I ended up driving over ten hours today (and you probably know I hate driving long distances). It has left me feeling uber exhausted, and even though I’m sure I’ll feel lonely, I do feel like God is starting to grant me a sense of closure that I have not been able to have since things began to unravel in May.
Job 2:10b (Amplified Translation) says:
“What? Shall we accept [only] good at the hand of God and shall we not accept [also] misfortune and what is of a bad nature? In [spite of] all this, Job did not sin with his lips.”
I’m learning to embrace that which God has put before me. I’m learning to accept, understand and overcome hardship rather than assume that I somehow don’t deserve these… trials. I am writing this blog so late just to complete a few thoughts before they escape me tomorrow morning or whenever. Yes, so, I’m doing well, all you my friends that care about my condition. I am just still in a lowly state, and I’m very vulnerable to all kinds of stimuli, and I want to make sure that I’m building myself up on helpful truths.
It’s not about me anymore. I want to love you all–I have no agenda and no motivation other than I think you deserve the absolute best, all the time.
Friends Are Nice
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Ooo, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
The Beatles – With a Little Help From My Friends (click to download)
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I am very grateful for my growing group of friends. I did so enjoy the company of Daniel Carpenter, Paul Carpenter, Michael Campbell, Raegan Grantham, Logan Denton, Emily Jacobson, and newcomers Reagin, Chasity and Natalie.
I was walking through my backyard today, and I was overcome with grief. If you had seen my backyard, say, 10 years ago, you would have seen this thick forest. Two hurricanes later, the backyard seems almost barren. I think we’ve lost at least 60-70 big trees back there on our 1.5 acre lot. I don’t know if you know, but I’m in love with the outdoors as of late. I want to grab her by the hand and just explore some woods. I want to take to the hills and climb a mountain in Colorado. I want to road trip to California. I really do get depressed thinking about all these things that I would love to do, but to know I’ll not be able to experience them in that way. My Mom told me that my next door neighbor was praying over her trees the day of the hurricane. I do feel like I’ve lost a few friends.
You know who makes mediocre films? Cameron Crowe. Dazed and Confused (wrote but not directed, I know)? Singles? Elizabethtown? Say Anything? Vanilla Sky? Mediocre films, but he does have some nice soundtracks (check out Vanilla Sky’s soundtrack). I haven’t seen Jerry Maguire in many, many years (it was before I started taking film-making seriously), and Almost Famous is his best film as far as I can tell. Still, Almost Famous is sometime too close to a “feel-good” film.
So, I told God I’d embrace any message He was trying to get across to me in my sleep if that was indeed the case. As it turns out, I didn’t have a nightmare last night like I did for the last two nights (as detailed in my last two blog entries). I don’t remember even dreaming at all. I sometimes fear that when I ask things of God, that perhaps I’m being too needy or that I’m stretching out my palm expecting too much. Derek Webb wrote a song “Wedding Dress” that says:
If You could love me as a wife
For my wedding gift, Your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
Or is there more that I’m looking for?
Could You love this bastard child,
Though I don’t trust You to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold,
And with the other in Your side
I love the bold intensity of Derek Webb’s lyrics. Anyway, I’m just trying to figure out where I stand with my desires (Psalm 37:4) and being patient. I’m just trying to do the right things day in and day out. I’m trying to start fresh and carry on responsibly. I’m trying to take my sin very seriously.
Nightmares, Alcohol and Posters… oh my!
Walking up the hill tonight
And you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn’t have to make
All those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient
And know that I’m still learning
I’m sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning
Where are you my angel now
Don’t you see me crying?
And I know that you can’t do it all
But you can’t say I’m not trying
Marketa Irglova – The Hill (click to download)
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It happened again last night. I don’t really understand the purpose, nor do I claim to understand its impact on me. I had one of those nights where for a long time all I did was call out to God, pray, get scared and give it all to Him. We talked about a lot of things, yes we did. Even still, this is what happened:
I had another nightmare. This time, in my dream, I’m on my cell phone, and I’m talking to her as I walk around Bevil Oaks. I’m telling her about my struggles, and, like in the song, I wish I didn’t have to make all those mistakes in order to be wise. From her, all I get is laughter. She is mocking me, telling me every way that I had fouled things up. In particular, this phrase “…and then I found out!” (referring to something I once kept from her that she found out about and confronted me on–true story) keeps replaying itself in my mind. It was accompanied by the most shrill laughter that haunts me at my very core.
Then I awoke.
I just don’t understand. It really puts me in a sad mood right now, but I am excited to go to Calvary Baptist Church in a bit. That is going to be encouraging to me.
I think I really need a spiritual mentor. I need someone that can pour themselves into me so that I can be a more thorough Christian. I just need that one-on-one time that can build people up. It’s just that I think it needs to be someone older than me, and I have no idea who that could be. I am going to keep praying about this.
Phew, I feel so tired. I feel like I’ve been running all night from someone that’s been chasing me. I think I’ll go do something else now.
EDIT:
I’ve now tried it all: wine, champagne, beer, liquor, margaritas… and what is the verdict?
I hate it all. I’d rather drink Tussin DM (that’s cough syrup, people!).
EDIT 2:
Guess what I got in the mail today? 
))
That’s right. I got that poster in the mail. It’s going up in my dorm, along with the following posters:
(sorry this one is so bad; can’t find a better pictures. these critters are the infamous Radiohead Bear drawings as created for Radiohead’s 2000 album Kid A… here’s a better look at what it looks like)
I think it’s just so cute!
Diversity of Publication (and my first nightmare)
Well I guess that your parents must have raised
Themselves a strictly pious daughter
‘Cause you move through this crowd
Just like parted water.
Oh you dress so nice
You dress to kill
They drop like flies
But who’s the funeral for?
Phantom Planet – After Hours (click to download)
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Part of the purpose of the blog is to inform people of things that I think about. That really is the smallest purpose of these posts. I really don’t care if the whole world reads this or if no one does, but I will write out my thoughts in order to help me cope with them. I just want to make sure you know this isn’t necessarily all about anyone in particular. The reason I do this is just so that I can simply organize thoughts in my head and put them down in a way that (hopefully) clears things up for me… or it simply allows me to vent to a world of my own.
Please allow me to get a little emotionally romantic right now.
I had a dream last night–more like a nightmare, really. I was with her, and she was so happy to see me. I remember we kissed, and her radiant smile made me weak at the knees. We spent a most beautiful evening together and then we got to talking. She told me, “Daniel, I’m so glad that you’ve changed for the better, and I can see that you are a much better person and that you truly love people, but that doesn’t mean I am going to love you.”
Then I awoke in a panic. In my dream, I was emotionally destroyed, and I felt like part of that carried over to when I woke.
I haven’t remembered a dream of mine in what feels like ages (I rarely ever do). It was just about two days prior that I was talking to Phil and how he has dreams that act almost like prophecies, and it really seems that they are. Then I have a dream about something like this. God knows that I still have so much to learn, but this almost feels like a taunt.
I really am happy, the happiest I’ve ever been in fact, but I am still so scared. I am still very weak, and I try to depend on God. I do, and then He helps me, and then when I get afraid, the cycle repeats.
I’m clinging a lot to the books of Psalms and Proverbs as of late in order to understand the scenarios of defeat, victory and humbly pursuing wisdom. My God, how I need strength, wisdom, peace, patience and joy.
In the words of the song “I Just Don’t Want Coffee” by Caedmon’s Call:
I have no ideas of what to do
‘Cause something’s changed today
And what it is I just can’t say
And if I don’t seem okay… well, I’m okay
EDIT:
I want everybody to know that I love you. I’ve had some truly great times as of late, and my friends are one of the bigger parts of that.
And if you don’t know me, just talk to me. I am at a point in my life where I’m all about meeting new people and just loving each other as humans. I care about people that much.
All You Need Is Hate
Corrupt
You corrupt
Bring corruption to all that you touch
And risk
You will risk
You will risk all their lives and their souls
And burn
You will burn
You will burn in hell, yeah you’ll burn in hell
You’ll burn in hell
Yeah you’ll burn in hell
For your sins
Muse – Take a Bow (click to download)
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Does anyone know who this is? I bet most no one would recognize this man, but a few might know his name. It is more likely that you know the name of his church, but I won’t spoil the surprise just yet. I don’t know if you see it, but I do. This man is the living embodiment of hate. That is all he cares about.
Do you remember that really unsound group of “Christians” that came to the Lamar Mirabeau Head and preached a bunch of absurdities? What did you think about that group after they left? I thought a few things: liars, hypocrisy, and most of all… HATE.
My God. This man, pictured above, lives and breathes the concept of hate. There is nothing he’d rather do. He’s like a junkie who’s got to get his daily fix of anti-anything. You’re going to hell for cutting your hair, being from Sweden, being Catholic, etc.
Proverbs 4:16 says:
“For they (evil men) cannot sleep unless they have caused trouble or vexation; their sleep is taken away unless they have caused someone to fall.”
I’m sure this is the case with Fred Phelps and his congregation. They can’t rest unless they’ve caused enough trouble.
Moving on… For the following clip, which is a trailer to the 2007 documentary “Fall from Grace”, which is about this man and his church, you must:
Pay close attention to the part from 1:21-1:50.
At several points in the documentary, this children are either passively or aggressively proclaiming how stupid these fags are… these evil beasts, as they put it. These kids are being bred to hate. They are being bred into one of the seven deadly sins. What can anyone do about that? They are already brainwashed it seems.
It breaks my heart to see this hate coming from the mouths of little children. The documentary plainly shows how the kids know nothing about what they speak. It is just regurgitated garbage from their parents.
Speaking of family, it’s pathetic to see that the majority of the congregation of this man’s church is his immediate family. He has 13 children, and only 4 have rejected the church and abandoned all contact with this evil man. The others were successfully brainwashed. So, 9 children that support the church, and they have kids and grandchildren. He is building up a nice little cult to ravish the image of Christianity. I am so thankful for people like that.
What do I do about that? I know I must pray for them. I must pray that God silences them somehow. I am a bit more calm now, but the documentary wants to make you strangle them. My brother Phil said it’s almost like someone in society should take one for the team and just take them all out… haha. I understand what he means. I cannot take the callousness and hate they give off.
This man is Fred Phelps, the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. I don’t know why the church claims to be baptist. There is no baptist association across this country that would take them. They are radical, fundamental, legalistic renegades. I should hope that Christians and non-Christians realize they are a problem, and they in no way reflect Christianity across the globe.
Oh! I forgot to mention this part entirely. What Westboro Baptist Church does is go and picket events across the country. They will go to universities, gay pride events, synagogues, churches and funerals. They love to protest the funerals of American soldiers. The documentary deals with an example of that, and I feel so sorry for widow who had to go through that. Anyway, they love to hold up signs that merely shock and anger people. They think that when people get mad (and rightly so) that they are getting brownie points from God. They think they are suffering. I might as well ask a fag to hit me across the face so I can get a few more jewels in my crown when I get to heaven.
Pfft.
Here are just a few of the signs and services the church has to offer:
And my personal favorite:
Thank you, Fred Phelps, for all the crusading that has resulted in a nationwide revival and a genuine call to repentance.
*deep breath*
Pleasing people
Is so predictable
We love you now
Then stab you how many
Times. I obsess
And am making a mess
Failing to impress you
In all that I can’t do
Danielson – Did I Step on Your Trumpet (click to download)
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Long post. Just don’t phase out. So much has happened today, and I love it. I’m not going to bore anybody about the movies I watched or the effect they might have had on me; instead, I’m going to talk about two specific things that are important right now.
As you may or may not know, I am in Austin staying with my brother Phil until I get the “okay go” back to Beaumont. I don’t want to travel all the way down there just to get turned around. So, until that moment, I am here. And it has been such a blessing to be here.
Part 1
I went through my day, fairly uneventful, but I enjoyed it. I know it won’t be this luxurious by the time I return to Beaumont. I went with Phil to Chuy’s, and I enjoyed the food. I tried this strawberry margarita, and it was bad. I have yet to have anything alcoholic that I enjoyed. The closest thing was a shot, the four horsemen, and it was neutral–nothing special as far as beverages go. I think this whole alcohol thing is skipping me, and I don’t mind.
We started to drift into serious waters in our conversation when Phil asked me about these Bible verses I have printed on a piece of paper and taped to the top of my laptop. From there we began to talk the proceedings of my life as of late. Phil said he could see noticeable change in how I am acting, and he wanted to know “what’s up”.
I know that he and I can get a little rough around the edges when it comes to discussions. I get defensive and Phil’s words come across harsh at times. So, that doesn’t make for a good mix, but I think it went well. He brought up a very good point, something I will be thinking about for a long time, and I will begin to make sure I have an answer for myself.
I firmly believe that the mind is capable of so much. I believe that it can delude and trick unlike anything else on this planet. We can go our entire life trapped inside ourselves and simply miss it all. Is religion immune from this possibility? I think not.
When it comes to my relationship with God, there are so many surface-level things that suck up the majority of my attention. Things such as love, peace, joy, discernment, etc. These things (Christian/psychological benefits) are at the forefront of my attention right now, as a matter of fact. It is important to know that some people can find these things (and be fully convinced in their mind that they are right) in different places. What is different about Christianity other than some form of meditation that advocates complete control of one’s body, mind and spirit? This is something I do not fully have the answer for, but it is something I must investigate.
Why am I interested in Christianity? I sure hope, for you, it is not convenience. Am I just believing in some higher standard, or is there something of value to me that sets Christianity apart? I need to know what I believe, and I can’t side-step this issue. To me, this is a time of excitement and encouragement. I think this puts me in a better position to taste and know that the Lord is good.
I know that God created me to be intellectual. He wants me to ponder and think about the truths of God. He wants me to discuss and mull over what something may or may not mean. It’s great to be broken, angry, loving, peaceful and wise, but what does it all mean? Where does it all go? What is it all for? For me, I believe that these traits and experiences make me more full of the character of God. And as such, I will be able to give Him more glory by exuding these traits to everyone.
Still, the question of my motivation and why I want it comes up. Am I into Christianity because it was the nearest religion outside my door? Is it because my parents were Christian? It is because America is typically Christian? All because my parents may or may not have taken Christianity serious at all, does it mean that I am all that much more noble for taking up their religion and going ALL OUT on it? May it never be.
I want to study the aspects of Christian Apologetics… not as a defense against atheists and evolutionists, but rather a defense in my own mind. Doubt is something that happens to many great people of Christ, and if you don’t even know why you believe what you do, then you’re going to be in a bit of trouble. I am taking on an active pursuit to the behind-the-scenes aspect of Christianity.
I am not saying that reasoning will lead me to certainty. Certainty means that I don’t need God, or that I don’t need the Bible to understand something about God, and I know God would never want it that way. You can never scientifically deduce that your belief is valid, and so of course it is based off faith. As such, I will ultimately have faith and believe there is a God and that He is who He says He is, as told by the Bible. I want to deeply understand this passion of mine.
I wouldn’t claim to love music, stop practicing for 50 years, and then expect everything to be hunky-dory with my skills on the piano and guitar. Why would I do the same with my walk with Christ?
Part 2
I later was able to meet up with one Andy Morris and Trevor Koonce in Austin, TX. I remembered seeing on Facebook that Andy’s status said something about being in Austinotopia… or something extremely cheesy like that, haha. I sent him a text, and before I knew it, I was driving to this guy Nate’s apartment where Andy and Trevor currently reside. I got lost and then I found the place. I met these girls Katherine Parma and Kelly ???. I met this guy Casey as well, who was studying for a test in Color Theory, by the way. Me and Trevor were going to leave and meet Mason and Jonny Jordan and Co. in downtown Austin, but that fell apart because they were leaving just as we would have met up with them. So, we went back to the apartment with the people.
We left to Katherine’s house, where we were supposedly going to watch a movie, but I see a guy on a couch and lady in a chair. Basically, I got to talk to some people about music and theology. There was David and Paula Parma, in addition to Paula’s brother Steve. Currently Steve is a hurricane evacuee from Groves, TX. Anyway, they were talking about “long hair” and how to “dress appropriately” in church. When they began to discuss speaking in tongues, I sat down by them on the couches and began to talk. Then we branched into areas of worship, musical styles, historical interpretation of music, generation gaps, style vs. substance, hymns and contemporary worship, and probably many other things.
I got to share a lot from my point of view, and I think the people really respected what I had to say. I loved getting to hear different point of views, and though sometimes we may disagree, there are core values that are not disagreed upon (salvation by faith, etc). I love the ability to ponder and discuss Biblical truths. I love to talk about that with people different than myself. These three people, in very different ways, were very cool.
After leaving, I could tell that there was a level of respect and love in the air. I know that God uses me to bless people and ESPECIALLY that I am blessed as a result of other’s words of encouragement. I think me and Andy may go back to that house later tomorrow to continue in our good times.
I just really enjoyed being with people who speak to me about the truths of God. Or the deliberation thereof. I just feel so very rewarded by God, and I thank Him all the more for that. There are so many great and glorious things changing about me, and I welcome every one of them.
Broken
I wish that there were unicorns and chemicals
That could help me forget I’m a miracle
I wish that there was a place where I could go
Where I wouldn’t feel like I’m an animal… to you and yours
I wish that there were rainbows and sleeping pills
That could help me forget that I am not well
I wish that there was a place where I could go
Where I wouldn’t feel like I’m an animal… to you and yours
The Standard – Unicorns and Chemicals (click to download)
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The weather was cool in Austin today, but it was not sunny like it was in Dallas.
Ben Stuart of Breakaway Ministries at Texas A&M University said that you can’t remain broken forever. At times a person may get “used” to their new state of perpetual brokenness that they think they must remain there. I know why God breaks people down, and he started that process on me about two months ago. I cannot say that I have been built up yet. I do feel, though, that perhaps it has begun to start. Even today I broke down, and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m weak or if there is still so much I need to learn. I think both.
Psalm 51:8 (Amplified Translation)
Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
I have been reading through the book of Psalms. Many of the ones I have been focusing on range from Psalm 30-55 or so. I have also been reading through Job, and that is going well.
I feel like one of the three things God took away from me has to do with my ability to write music. I can’t focus things into anything tangible right now. Considering how important this is to me, it’s been difficult to deal with how music actually fits into my life. I can write music reasonably well, but there are so many things I want to say, both musically and lyrically. I cannot make the two come together. Perhaps this blog is to compensate for my inability to apply a spoken message to my music. This also has to do with why I think Autumn Sonata has fallen apart. This is also why I think The Loch is working out so well for me right now. God has pushed me more toward the background when it comes to music. In this, too, there is a purpose.
I feel like so many of the issues that bring me to my knees are being brought up by God. I cannot let go of certain things because God blatantly reminds me of what it is to me. I wouldn’t say it is a hindrance, and as such I feel like there is a specific purpose behind it all. I would love to feel empowered, bold and unaffected, but God doesn’t want it to be that way.
I really miss you. I also really miss my friends who weathered the storm.
Optimism
You can try the best you can
Try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
Radiohead – Optimistic (click to download)
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Sometimes, when you feel let down, God uses a beautiful soul to encourage you. Sometimes God uses you to encourage that person. Thank God for His timing. I have the tendency to get bogged down in problems, pain and regret, but God works to make sure I don’t focus on the pain too much.
Also, one of the things God has dealt with me as of late is to be bold and honest. For too often have I considered too closely the feelings of others–to the point that it began to hurt me. I am never trying to be cruel, but I will be brutally honest. If I say something that you have a hard time reading, then talk to me about it. I am not going to beat around the bush. I may not be 100% explicit with details, but I will say exactly the point of what is on my mind.
I never intend to hurt anyone, but I’m tired of always holding back. This blog, for however long it will be kept up, will display the real me. No more bluffs.
ANYWAY, to the point of the blog:
I got to talk to one Alyssa Weaver about a lot of things going on in my life. She is a girl most radiant. I met her my freshman year at DBU (I forgot how?), and her personality made an impact on me. I had not seen her for a few years, so it was great to talk about whatever. In particular, we delved into topics about God and our relationships, and it was a most lovely and encouraging time. It was nice for her to have a better idea of what I’m all about as of late.
If you do not know, I was very, very insecure and awkward (in a bad way) my freshman year of college at Dallas Baptist University. Now I am secure and awkward (in a good way), and God has been doing great things in my life. He is giving me joy and peace. I know that I am in the will of God and that I depend on Him for all things. I have begun to truly love people.
Someone once implied that I am now able to love said person more now than I ever did before. Isn’t it supposed to be true that as you love Christ and yourself, that in turn you will love others more? This is exactly the picture being portrayed. My life is becoming so much more beautiful. I love my friends and I tell them how I feel. I love to connect with people and talk about Christ. God is giving me blessings gratuitously. I am so very grateful for all things.
Even when I suffer, God takes care of me. I love the book of Psalms and, in particular, Psalm 40. It figures that one of the first passages of Scripture I ever memorized during my days of homeschooling would be used to encourage me so much:
Psalm 40:12d “…my heart has failed me and forsaken me.“
And ever since God has broken me down and taken away three of the most important things in my life, I have been truly dependent on His care. Thank God for that. I wouldn’t go back in time and change anything if it meant missing out on what God is showing me now. It would have been nice to make better choices the first time around, but I’ll take what God gives me as time unfolds.
For those of you who have been truly loyal to me all these years, thank you so much. I love you more than you may ever know.
-Daniel
(P.S. I’m going to Austin. Bye.)
(P.S. 2 I want to give a shout out to my mates Kurt McWhorter, Sara Triana and Katie Peterson who helped me have a most wonderful weekend in Dallas, TX. Thanks you guys.)
A Few Groundrules
Pillars and concrete walls
How they’re weighing down on me
All that I wished for
All that I loved
Seems so far away
I’ll seize the day inside
We’re rocking on
Do not delay, my God
Cause I’m in need of You
My heart’s away, my God
Cause I’m in need of You again.
Radiant – Do Not Delay (click to download)
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Perhaps I will start off with some lyrics for each post that I do. I will probably describe something that fits what I am going through, or it may just be a lovely song. I’m going to have a link posted to each song so that you may download it. I will share glorious music with all who will listen.
Here is where I detail the events of my life. I struggle with keeping blogs up-to-date and what not, but I may very well give this one a shot.
This is just the intro blog, and I’ll post something real soon enough.
