– my soul is celestial-bound –
The solar panel’s shining face
Is smiling back on me
Twisting off into the sun
It’s okay to be lonely
I’ve got no Houston to wind down to
I’ve got no protocol
Gravity’s so far away
Wrapped on that shrinking ball
And I won’t let her down
My soul is celestial-bound
And if I’m never found
She’ll always be
She’ll always be what I can’t find
She’ll always be where I lay down
She’ll always hide behind a star
I’ll always dream she can’t be far
Failure – Another Space Song (click to download)
————————————————————————————————————————-
Let’s suppose for a minute you’re reading this blog (and you are), and that you’ve probably never heard of the band Failure. They have this most incredible song with the most beautiful bass distortion you may ever hear. This song, “Another Space Song”, is spacey and relaxing, with just a touch of sadness. I encourage you to download the song (the link is above), and give them a fair shot.
I really like the chorus, especially the last set of four lines written above. It’s the idea of the unattainable that intrigues me. For most people I know, life is like that of a pioneer–they’re searching for paths of enlightenment, discovery and profit. To some degree, I say that is a part of who I am, but God often keeps my ambitions at bay, or at least under a restraining order. So, I can go so far, by His permission, but eventually there’s a cold reality that hits home.
I’m glad to have any guidance because I know I have let myself down more times than I can count. Selfishly, I would think that my desires and ambitions are supremely important to me, but, in accordance to my life as a Christian, that’s false information. There needs to be a little less of me in my life, if that is practically possible.
“A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” — Robert Browning
I feel like the kid with big plans–the one who stands behind the white picket fence, waving to the parade as it goes by. You know, I want to be a part of that parade, but maybe I haven’t yet realized that the view really is better from the front lines, but not in the middle of it all. And still, no matter what I want, or what I might think is a good idea, there’s this… something. This unattainable factor–this reality I can never understand. It’s like trying to grab vapor.
I was talking to Michael Campbell about this the other day. Have you ever thought about the expanding nature of the universe? Well, we’re science-oriented fellas, so that’s a common thought for the two of us. He told me that his mind is like cinema, where there is a camera shot that starts zoomed in on a small object, and then in a matter of moments begins to zoom out until all we see is the universe in all it’s ever-expanding glory.
I told him that I see myself as looking at the borders of the universe and pondering the fact that it keeps expanding. The universe increases, but for what purpose? I suppose it simply is what it is. I think about what’s on the other side of the border of the universe:
the unattainable.
What’s interesting is what happens next. Michael and I have described this feeling we get when we think about these scenarios. We feel like our minds are absorbing pieces of information and are being enlightened. Just as you push to the outside of the universe, you get this very strong, overwhelming feeling that you’re on the brink of something big–the most profound moment of your life.
Then, just after that very instant, it’s like a candle is blown out, and all that’s left is darkness. It’s gone. There is nothing you can do to get back to the moment. It’s as if God’s saying, “I’m a bit big for you guys, sorry.” The feeling you’re left with afterward is not really disappointment, but you feel intrigued because you know you can’t get to that special place, at least not for now. Then I start to feel like I’ve been laying down, and I stood up too fast. You know that disorienting feeling, almost queasy? Well, that’s how I’m left feeling for a few minutes.
Anyway, it really makes me laugh, but think about it. There’s this place I’ll never be, a state of enlightenment, on this side of heaven. There’s this thing that’s always hiding behind a star, as the Failure song says. In the case of the song, there’s a girl I know that’s off in the universe as far as I’m concerned. Failure summarizes it best:
“She’ll always be.”
Oh, the unattainable–you’re a tough cookie, but I admire you so.
i think i’m in love — probably just hungry
All I want in life’s a little bit of love to take the pain away
Getting strong today, a giant step each day
I’ve been told only fools rush in, only fools rush in
But I don’t believe, I don’t believe – I could still fall in love with you
I will love you till I die, and I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and drift in time
All my time until I die, we’ll float in space just you and I
So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and drift in time
I’ll love you to death, I guess that’s what you get
And I don’t know where we are all going to
Love don’t get stranger, it is what it is
And I don’t know where we are all going to
Everything happens today, and that’s what you get
And I don’t know where we are all going to
Spiritualized – Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space (click to download)
————————————————————————————————————————–
Sorry, guys, if these feelings get monotonous, or if they seem a bit ridiculous. I just know what love feels like, and it’s difficult to live without. The song aforementioned really sums it up for me. I’m not really even talking about the lyrics, truth be told. Those, of course, reflect some of the obvious feelings I may have toward her.
Have you even listened to the song? Do you know what the band Spiritualized is about, and the kinds of things Jason Pierce has gone through? The song, musically, reflects inside me an idea that is so revolutionary–something deep and almost scary. With this song, there is this almost sad-victory, if you know what I mean. To me, this beautiful, powerful serenade that still fails to accomplish what it was meant to do, and I am not sure it was meant to win her back. So that’s how I feel about the song, and I think it partly reflects my life.
I think some people believe that I just want my life to be difficult, or that I refuse to better myself and get rid of opposition. I believe that what doesn’t kill you simply makes you… stranger. But seriously, I think I’d get rid of a lot of my opposition to change a lot of things, but I have to be glad of where I’m at, and at potentially where I’m going. The song mentions drifting in space and time, a truly psychedelic concept, and I think I like that idea. One play on words suggest that things, given the space that separates us, will deteriorate over time (true–I have to believe that the emotional brunt of all this will slowly lessen). Then the way I also like to think about it is kind of like losing yourself, your superego, if you will, in a series of events in your life–the path that you are floating toward.
Well, that doesn’t make any sense, it seems. Still, it’s a great song.
No posts for a while. Nothing to say.
–this is the beginning of the end–
(no song today)
There’s something wrong.
There’s something off, and I don’t understand what it is.
What a time for God to be silent.
thorn. in. my. side
EDIT: Perhaps this song just describes me. I’ll put it up sometime. Please read it and listen to it… it’s just the best there is.
Wouldn’t you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I’m back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I’ve no ideas of what to do
‘Cause something’s changed today
And what it is I just can’t say
And if I don’t seem okay
Well I’m okay
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I’ve made
Funny that’s what I’ve been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can’t change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I’d explain to you what you could never understand
And how I’d keep my mind from you
But that’s the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today’s another day and it’s okay
Caedmon’s Call – Just Don’t Want Coffee
You Shook Me
You shook me all night long
You shook me so hard baby
Baby, baby, please come home
I have a bird that whistles
And I have birds that sing
*sexy keyboard solo, harmonica solo, guitar solo*
Led Zeppelin – You Shook Me (click to download)
—————————————————————————————————————————
I will exceed even my own expectations? So says the fortune cookie I got at lunch today. Surprisingly, this is a relevant fortune for my life. I have high standards and goals that are far beyond my grasp. As such, if I could take away any encouragement from this piece of paper, I think it’s that my aim is for the best, and that I’ll never settle for less than what I know I can and must accomplish.
I finished watching the documentary “Lake of Fire”, the film about abortion. The documentary finishes up by following this woman, who has apparently been a victim of domestic abuse many years prior. She seems so fragile and timid about the abortion procedure she wants, and in the end we are left feeling let down. She goes through with the procedure, and it shows very, very graphic images of her, some tubes, and the remains of the very tiny fetus. Afterward, she is talking to the camera and says, “I don’t feel very well right now, and I need a cigarette. I feel kind of on edge, and my body feels exhausted.” She does a pause, and then says that she knows she did the right thing. She doesn’t like it, but she knows it was right for her.
Then she falls apart. She puts her face in her hands, and she starts crying. The camera follows her a bit as she goes down a hallway, and she hugs the man she came in with (the baby’s father–not the same guy that abused her years prior). She is weeping uncontrollably, and then the film ends. I was left with such a hollowed out feeling when it was over. That’s what the documentarian Tony Kaye wanted his audience to feel after a two-and-a-half hour documentary about the pros and cons of abortion has run its course. I guess I don’t fully understand what it all means, but I am amazed at the emotions it stirred up in me. I recommend this film to anybody who wants to ponder this kind of subject matter.
Let me tell you something weird. Theoretically, according to the will of God, I could have moved on in about a year and three months. It is quite possible that I will soon be absent from this place I have called home for my entire life. I went to Dallas Baptist University for a year, so I know what it’s like to be away from home, but to establish a new “home” somewhere else is almost frightening.
I am supposed to be graduating with my double major in mathematics and computer science in December of 2009. And I don’t think I’m just gonna sit on my hands after that. Beaumont isn’t big enough for me, and I’m sure I’ll move to a bigger city, such as Austin or Dallas (all signs point to Austin where there is a thriving computer world). I do want to stay in Texas if at all possible.
So, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Again, I will reiterate that I will possibly doing this in about a year and three months. I mean, not to sound pathetic, I will probably be having to make that journey by myself, which again is scary, but a little exciting, too. I’m not saying that starting over is what life’s all about (Modest Mouse reference), but I know I’ve got places to go, people to see, and so many things to accomplish. This is teaching me to love and appreciate all the things I have going on here up until that day.
I’m not going to miss a moment of what’s going on here, and I’m sure it’s leading me somewhere quite nice.
EDIT:
Today has felt like one of those days where all you seem to do is fail. I feel like I’m just recklessly, shamelessly falling apart. I hadn’t really been out of the dorm all day, and so I went to buy my sister a birthday card, and I got some food from Pei Wei to go. As I sat waiting for it in my car, I listened to David Gilmour’s album On an Island (he’s the singer of Pink Floyd). The music is slow and psychedelic, and I love how it washes over you. So, I was just sitting there, talking to God and listening to this water-like music wash all over me. I do feel a bit better, but I still feel like a disappointment to my God and to others.
Maybe It’s Coincidence (you decide)
Daylight
Leave the shadows falling behind
Put your depressed sedations to rest
There’s nothing to medicate
Let the rush of the spirit find me
I’ll go, I’ll go
Daylight
Leave the gray life and the dark-filled rage
And let all obsessions fade
The constant
Is love
With you
Kenna – Daylight (click to download)
——————————————————————————————————————-
A few weeks ago, just after Hurricane Ike ravaged the areas of Bridge City, Orange and LaBelle, TX, the pastor at Calvary Baptist Church talked about how the church was going to get involved and help people out (in both monetary ways, but more importantly in time, commitment, prayer, encouragement and smiling faces). I really felt deep down that I should, could and must participate. I am not a member at that church, and I didn’t know how to get involved. It was something I wanted to do, a great deal in fact, but I didn’t go far enough as to seek out the means of getting involved.
Then I read Jenai Hamilton’s blog, and she talked about getting people together to help out. So, I jumped on that opportunity. As such, I just got back from working in Bridge City at four (4) different houses, detailed as follows:
(1) There lived an elderly married couple. They were upbeat and charming (the old man didn’t have many/any teeth). Basically, they didn’t have much storm damage at all, but we helped move out and clean the old man’s work shop areas. This was the easiest task of the day.
(2) Jenai, Tyler and I walked down the street to find people/houses that needed help. We found this house, and we saw three people. We said we were part of a group of about 20 people, and that we wanted to help out in any way we could. They said they took care of everything inside the house, but there was swamp grass and debris all over the back yard. So, we raked and transported debris to a burn pile. You could tell how thankful they were when they said, “I’m so glad that I can see we have a back yard again!” They were nice, friendly people–the way people always ought to be. I think I overexerted myself by raking too intensely and fervently, and as such I struggled the rest of the day.
(3) We went to this house were there was a moderate amount of gutted material from the house loaded in the front yard. So, we had the job of moving things closer to the street so that trucks with pinchers can come in and take the material away. We had to move a bunch of furniture, logs, wood, sheet rock and other miscellaneous items to the road or into a dumpster.
(4) The fourth and final house was badly torn up. There was so much stuff at the road. In fact, all the way up and down this street were monstrously large piles of… house… strewn about the front yards of virtually every building (these really can’t be considered houses anymore). It was so very depressing to think about what if this had been my home that was wiped out. So, the main task was taking out all the carpet (three week old, moldy carpet), and knocking out all the sheet rock in the house. This proved to be a very, very long and strenuous task. My friend Tyler was badly sneezing because he’s allergic to mold and all this stuff. I am not allergic at all, but it left me feeling so very tired.
It’s funny how this thing that I wanted to do, but I wasn’t feverishly panting for, just happened with no effort at all. God just made it happen, plain and simple. Then the things that I feverishly pant for, the things that I think are the most important things to me, come and go or they never come at all. And the whole time we were working in the last house, all I could think about was how insignificant my life truly is, but I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean, my life: I have everything that I need, but there is so much anguish in Bridge City due to the fact that there were only 11 livable houses (out of approximately 8,600 people). I mean, how pitiful are my problems compared to that level of anguish, and this is only one city that was laid bare. What about Galveston, LaBelle and Orange? Devastated.
So, I learned that God rarely gives you what you want, but He gives you what you need first and foremost. I felt such joy after helping the people at the second house. Then, the rest of the time, I felt burdened and exhausted. I think it was just hard to see people in these trying times. In fact, I just now got a text message about someone (I do not know) whose mother just killed herself. Times is hard, I know, Mr. Todd, but how hard are they really for you and for me? The very fact that I’m sitting in my comfortable dorm, writing messages on a potentially useless blog, well, maybe that just says something about me, then.
All that being said, I really loved being to help people today. It is so refreshing to be a part of something that is (supposed to be) 100% non-hedonistic. There is nothing pleasurable about this work, and I have had a tiring weekend, and the last thing (physically) I want to do is get up early and do hard labor; however, there is a certain, unique joy in taking the day off from yourself, isn’t there?
This weekend, namely yesterday, my band The Loch had two shows. We played in Bridge City for this “We love you!” kind of gig, and it was well, even if not many people were there at 3:30pm. We played and had to load up for our show at The Barking Dog at 8pm. Truly, I had a great time that day. We played reasonably well, but more importantly it was fun, and I could tell people had a good time. We debuted some new material, and I was happy to showcase some that. The opening act, Lomelda, was better than us, and they were like a miniature Eisley. I think she sang nice, and she’s quite adorable, I must say.
There were events afterwards that were difficult and trying, and that night wasn’t painless, I must say. In the end, however, God knew that I needed a time to get rid of myself and just think about other people. And as such, I’m here pondering the fate of people without homes. I want to love them, and I hope that others get involved in supporting those in this desperate time, even if it is three weeks post Ike.
I feel particularly motivated to write some music write now, but my body is not going forth with the idea. I feel like I have so much to offer, but I’m not sure how to translate what’s up here to frequencies.
Oh, and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and Eagle Eye are very much so mediocre movies (if you take movies seriously, that is). Nick and Norah is like listening to Feist, and Eagle Eye is like Dragonforce: effective at what they are, but entirely forgettable in the long haul (though I still think Feist is fun stuff).
I’m dead–devoid of energy. It’s time for a shower, and then it’s time for a nap. I bid thee good day.
EDIT:
As has been the case many days before now, I am feeling scared yet again. It’s such a difficult feeling when you know you need someone, and there’s nothing you can do about it, and there’s nothing God does about it. I mean, God is supreme, and He can allow or disallow anything, and that is, ultimately, fine by me. I am not selfish, and I make no demands–still my mind is unwell, and this is a time of sorrow. My God, why will You not deliver me?
EDIT 2:
I feel a little bit better now. I took a nap, and I have some friends coming over to the dorm to watch a movie or something. I really do have the best friends I could ever ask for. They are lovely people. 
Calm Down; See Straight
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you, my love
I send this smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who’s left alone
Oh, the years burn
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The Smashing Pumpkins – Disarm (click to download)
———————————————————————————————————-
You know, today felt like a new day. It felt like a good day, again. I was listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, and I’m reminded that I wish I could have lived through the music of the 90’s with the mindset I have now developed. Well, I’m sure I’ll make it out alright.
I recently finished my quest through the book of Job. It happened that when Job finished crying out in anger at God in Job 37, God begins this long rant about the insignificance of Job’s problems as compared to the power of God.
Then, Job repents and says in Job 42:1,2: “Then Job answered the LORD and said, ‘I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.’”
That’s it for me right there. My life’s goal has not been thwarted, no matter the change in circumstances as of late. Anyway, I’m just learning to make progress, alright? I have my days where it seems as though God’s crushing me under the weight of punishment, but I know that even if that was the case, I’m being improved and increased in some ways.
Ever since August, since my breakup, I’ve been in the lowest of low places, and I haven’t been able to listen to any music remotely crazy or hard, but today wast the first day I broke out any Dream Theater, Led Zeppelin and Muse in quite some time. I think one of their songs might be used and uploaded soon for a post or two. I still feel love, and I want to share it with all of you.
I love it when people are not fickle, and they can be depended on. I like it when people don’t try to use me for some reason, and to just let things go at a smooth rate. There are some people I’ve come in contact lately who try waaaaaay too hard to be your friend. They’re like, “DUUUUDE, MAN. WHOA! YOU’RE AWESOME. WHAT YOU’RE A CHRISTIAN? ME TOO. OMG RIGHTEOUS. YOU’RE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Cut it down a notch, alright?
I pray you have been patient with me, and I will treat you all with utmost respect. I love you for it. I’ll send this smile over to you, friend.
A Powerful Message
I’m on a roll
I’m on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change
Kill me, Sarah
Kill me again with love
It’s gonna be a glorious day
Radiohead – Lucky (click to download)
————————————————————————————————————–
At Glastonbury 2003, right before Radiohead played the song the song Lucky which is displayed above, Thom Yorke, the front man, said:
“Are you having a good time? Nice day, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it a nice day?”
I have never seen or heard Thom be so happy, with a smile to boot. That is how I felt today. It seemed as though God made the world shine a tad bit brighter if only for my sake.
Sorry, guys, if it seems I get overwhelmed with sorrow at times. It’s true, I am, by my very nature, more bent toward sadness and fragility, but God’s working on me to be so crippled when times is hard, Mrs. Lovett. I tell you the truth: I’m working to seek the approval of my God. I don’t do things to have you love me–I am dedicated to Christ first and foremost.
I was fasting, as I said earlier. I didn’t eat for a day and a half. I researched fasting, and I made sure I wasn’t do it just to get a “quick fix” from something difficult in my life. I know that’s not what fasting is about. I read online that there are at least 6 or 7 applications of fasting in the Bible, and I was seeking after two of them. The first thing was to ask God for direction. I wanted to take the focus off my hardship and just need Christ more. The other thing I wanted was to show God and myself that I am dedicated to Christ and Him solely. I try to make sure that my view of Him is not distracted by anything at all. This afternoon, I felt that God told me, “Daniel, I know that you are dedicated to Me. There is no need to continue your fast.” So, I ended my fast. Truly, God knows that I’m beyond serious about our walk and our fellowship, and I know it too.
I started watching this documentary “Lake of Fire”, a film about abortion by Tony Kaye, the director of American History X.
I’m only about halfway done, and it is truly remarkable. I kept hearing about how fair and balanced it was as a film, despite the fact that it is about a very hot-topic issue in our time. There are so many surprising things in this documentary, and it is encouraging to see that there are some very sane people on both sides of the debate. It is discouraging, however, to see how many people are blinded by extremism and self-expression that they ignore the rationality of treating other people how you would want to be treated. There are some stupid people who are pro-life and pro-choice. I wish both people would silence their own speech before making things even worse for everybody else.
This man, Nat Hentoff, was an interesting man. He’s an antheist and yet pro-life. He writes for The Village Voice, and he has such a calm and perceptive persona, and I would love to hear more from him. Then there was also Norma McCorvey, also known as “Jane Roe”, from Roe vs. Wade. She was a plaintiff in the case that has led to the legalization of abortion, a practice that has claimed the lives of over 35,000,000 babies since 1973. It was about how she came to Christ and renounced her pro-choice ways. I can’t even begin to understand the grief she must suffer. What an amazing story about the grace of God. She was an accomplice (along with many others) to a travesty that would make Hitler and all his henchmen blush.
It’s a very biased film, and I’m grateful for such a tactful director at that. I think that everybody should attempt to watch this film, but beware of the fact that there are some truly disturbing and astonishing scenes in this film. There are mutilated babies, and for me, it just breaks my heart. I know that those fetuses are human life ended early, and I can’t help but wonder if that had been my body. I am not 100% that abortion should be outlawed, but I certainly believe that, in general, abortion must stop. I think, ideally, people need to change and start acting responsibly for that to happen.
So, even in the midst of such heavy, heavy subject material, I have had a great day. I hung out with the lovely newlyweds Tyler and Jenai Hamilton. They are so great at having conversations, and I love when people get that way and stay humble about it. We dined fine at Taco Bell, and just talked and talked.
I practiced with The Loch, and it was nice, too.
Psalm 103:1,2 (Amplified Translation):
“Bless (affectionately, gratefully praise) the Lord, O my soul; and all that is [deepest] within me, bless His holy name! Bless (affectionately, gratefully praise) the Lord, O my soul, and forget not [one of] all His benefits.”
Don’t you see it? Isn’t it plain to you, Daniel? Have you not accepted that God must be praised for his ever present compassion? The Lord has provided me with many of these “benefits” that Psalm 103:2 refers to. I’m giving Him all the glory.
