my #1 fear

November 30, 2008 at 12:13 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , )

I wont be the lonely one
Sitting on my own and sad
A fifty year old
Reminiscing what I had

Glasvegas – Daddy’s Gone (click to download)

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As opposed to what you might initially assume, this song is not about the loss of a girlfriend/boyfriend. This song is about being abandoned by your dad. Still, there’s a part in the chorus that lays out the precise definition as to why I am so topsy-turvy right now–prone to happiness and simultaneous breakdowns.

Glasvegas is a strange little Scottish band. Their music is britrock, but their vocalist sounds like he come from 50’s. I encourage you to see what they’re all about.

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this is all you’ll get from me

November 27, 2008 at 5:35 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the house)) (, , )

“This time, this time–it’s tough.
Well here I am and now and I think I’ve had enough.”

Phantom Planet – Big Brat

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– pessimistic (or, I’m trying not to be) –

November 23, 2008 at 11:56 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , )

I’m weak because I love, and I made myself vulnerable as such. I live with disappointment every day, and I dare say you cannot imagine how difficult that is for me.

All I need is to be content with Christ. He knows I love Him, and I depend on Him fully.

I feel like I’m the sheep that for many years simply wandered from the fold of God. He saw fit to find me, break my legs, and bring me back to where I belong. For that I am grateful.

But my legs are still broken, and I can’t do anything as I used to.

I can barely pick up a guitar anymore. I don’t play my keyboard at all. I don’t listen to much music in the car anymore. I try to fill up my time with God, but He’s very silent.

And yet, I know I deserve every thing that He does to me. I’m grateful for all the things He gives when I never deserved them.

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“Ugh”, he says.

November 23, 2008 at 2:49 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , )

Lord, can you hear me when I call?
Lord, look at what state I’m in.

Lord, can you hear me when I call?

I guess not, according to Spiritualized. I suppose it’s payback for all the years I pretended God meant something to me when I was putting him on the backburner. I deserve every bit of this.

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I was scared–tired and underprepared

November 19, 2008 at 2:16 am (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , , , , , , , )

I just got back from seeing Coldplay at the Toyota Center in Houston, TX. Blake and I left from Beaumont at about 5:15pm, and the show started 7:30pm. The first band, Ray Gun, from El Paso, TX, was good, but nothing much to brag about. I didn’t like the second guy, a DJ named Jon Hopkins. The images were semi-trippy, but one of his songs ripped off a prelude by Bach while another was straight out of the dungeon theme music from Zelda for the original Nintendo game system in the 80s.

Coldplay then mounted the stage. I must say, I enjoyed the concert more than I expected. It’s no secret that, for me, Coldplay has mildly fallen from grace after their dismal X&Y album (with one redeeming track, Fix You) and the semi-okay Viva La Vida release (still, mostly forgettable tracks). Anyway, the point is this: Coldplay is Blake’s favorite band, and since I’m an emotional pansy and I’ve been feeling very vulnerable as of late, I was the one that ended crying at the show.

The two best songs, for me, were In My Place and Fix You. Here is what Fix You said:

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

You have no idea how true those words are for me–every word and every implicated message. I remember closing my eyes, tearing up, and just letting the music flow over me. I felt so very small and fragile, and I still do. I do feel well, but there’s still this pain inside that doesn’t go away. I feel like there’s a deeper problem, but why must my God delay in helping me sort it out, something I know I cannot do on my own (and not that I would want to do that anyway).

In My Place provoked similar feelings as Fix You, but it was still yet different. I remember Chris running around on stage, as buoyant and playful as ever; he encouraged and lifted me up tonight, yes he did.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now. There is even more that is going to happen in the next year. As In My Place says,

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I’ll wait for you

I am praying for all the wisdom, hope and confidence my Lord is willing to give.

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– after the wedding –

November 17, 2008 at 1:03 am (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , , , )

(perhaps the most beautiful song of all time–there are only words written in the language Hopelandic)

Sigur Ros – Vaka (click to download)

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Do yourself a favor and download the Sigur Ros song I posted just above these words. Your life will never be the same, and you’ll be grateful for it.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of the movie “After the Wedding”, but I think it is very close to what I consider to be a perfect film. There is great depth, meaning and relevance to my life. There are some very, very strong emotions attached to that film, including the Sigur Ros song I posted above that appears in the film’s denouement and conclusion once more. The last time I watched the film was with her, and I remember it making an impact on her. Mads Mikkelsen? He is supremely delightful, and he makes me want to visit the Danish people.

The true hero of the story is Jorgen, the father who gives of himself selflessly. There is tragedy, victory, betrayal, rekindlings, fear and anxiety in this film. The story is beautiful and poetic, and I think it should have won the Best Foreign Film Oscar in 2006, but it was beat out by The Lives of Others (a great film, no less).

What would you do if you had great responsibility over a career and a whole slew of loved ones and you came to know of your immanent demise? Would you act any differently, and would you make any big decisions for your family? I would like to think I would, but I don’t know how it would carry out.

Michael was hit hard by the film, and so were the femmes. I think it’s the kind of movie that exposes you, makes you feel fragile and then you have to reevaluate your current stance on everything. I love that feeling, and it comes never too often. Me and Michael were listening to the entire song Vaka by Sigur Ros as we made the half-hour trek back to the dorms. I just unleashed a storm of fears and regret on Michael, and I feel so very drained right now. It’s great to have the love and care of those when you need them. I don’t know where I’d be right now if I had no one to lean on.

“It looks as though the past is here to stay,” says Trent Reznor of NIN.

I think he knows what he’s talking about, too. I feel a little better now, and Michael and I realized that there is so much healing that has not happened that needs to continue for the both of us. We’re getting there, even if it feels like a grueling, slow process.

Here’s the movie you should see, if you ever get the chance:

After the Wedding

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– there’s so much beauty in the world –

November 10, 2008 at 11:38 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , )

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst.

…and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”

-Lester Burnham in “American Beauty”

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Father of Mine (and we’re back to the 90s)

November 7, 2008 at 11:10 am (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , )

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame

Everclear – Father of Mine (song going up later)

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Sorry, guys. I am not trying to get emo or down-trodden, but I was a little out-of-phase with myself yesterday. I can’t explain myself very clearly, but I’m not concerned about that. I’ve got these thoughts, you know? I’ve got these insecurities.

I’m just trying to make sure they don’t hold me back. I haven’t felt very empowered as of late–I need that something that God promises to those who love Him. Maybe I struggle with love. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong.

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familiarizing myself with the ‘ChaCha’ (no dancing allowed)

November 5, 2008 at 4:36 pm (In Beaumont TX (at the dorm)) (, , , , , , )

(I’ll put up a song later)

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Wanna hear something funny?

Exactly one year and six months ago, I danced the “Cha Cha” for the first time ever (Cinco de Mayo 2007 at Antones in Beaumont, TX). I was with her still at the time, and our relationship lasted almost exactly one year and six months.

So, I’m texting “Cha Cha”, the text-messaging service that answers any question you might have, and I decided to ask a tough question, and here’s the dialogue that came about:

Me: Who first filmed an elephant being electrocuted?
ChaCha: Thomas A. Edison filmed an elephant electrocution in 1903 in a piece called Electrocuting an Elephant. ChaCha!
Me: Local band from Texas called Runway Existence released what 6-song EP?
ChaCha: There is no information on an EP released by a band called Runway Existence, though there was a new band formed called Watership!
Me: Wrong. They released an EP called Greetings and Salutations in 2005. Information can be found via Google. Sorry Cha Cha, cool points went down.
ChaCha: Yes, you are correct. I just looked it up and found it. Maybe you should come and work for us! It’s a lot of fun! ChaCha on!

I also think it’s a funny coincidence how ChaCha mentioned a new band formed called Watership. Me and the guys, prior to forming Autumn Sonata, tossed around the band name Watership and Watership Down (after the book), but didn’t because it was already so prevalent on MySpace or already on Amazon.com. Funny coincidences (it’s not a very common name, I shouldn’t think).

So now I can go work for them. Sounds interesting, haha.

Sorry guys. I’ve been silent lately.

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