Can there be MORE truths to learn?
I remember when my friend Michael said (half-joking, but still…), “Man, I’m a douche bag!”
My point is, there’s this terrible feeling where all you can do is marvel over your readily apparent stupidity. That’s what I am going through right now. All I can do is marvel over how simple-minded, go-through-the-motions and ultimately insincere I truly am.
It’s really an interesting thing, guys, and not altogether unhealthy.
I’m learning pieces of lessons as I progress through the year. My God, how my life has started over, and I am learning and unlearning all kinds of things. Let’s talk about the thing that hit me today:
Quoth Wikipedia:
“The word “faith“, translated from the Greek πιστις (pi’stis), was primarily used in the New Testament with the Greek perfect tense and translates as a noun-verb hybrid.”
The word faith is a noun-verb hybrid as written in the Greek New Testament. The English language does not accurately convey the full meaning of the word faith. The idea of faith is that it is the action form of the word belief. Not only do you have faith, but you also live and act faith.
My point is that I only have this noun-like faith in God. There’s no action because when it comes down to brass tax, do I actually believe that God would ever use me like he did David, Job or Paul? I’ll tell you my answer. I have never actually believed in my heart that God would ever use me for some great purpose. I have felt overlooked and ill equipped for my entire, but I’m seeing this as the time to reverse some of the life-hindering “beliefs”.
Also, why would God ever give me anything if I never believed that He would give it to me? It probably sounds strange to you to think that I would live my life believing that God “truly” cared about everybody except for me, but that’s how it has been.
Like I said in my previous post: there is no pain and there is no self-loathing, there is only the glory of God. It’s my ambition to give God glory in the silence, pain and frustration. Will God be proud of me in this time where I feel at a loss? Will I believe as the noun-verb hybrid word faith suggests?
I think that I will.
I think that God doesn’t want me to be happy. I think He wants me to learn… and perhaps I’ve made the error in thinking that every lesson I may “want” to learn should come easy. If I’m earnestly seeking God and humbly at that, then God will take it easy on me. Lies upon lies.
There was a word uttered to me by my friend Logan (who is a girl…), and it encouraged me so. I didn’t think that it would, and it’s not that I didn’t want to be encouraged, but most people will only say “fluff” when it comes to encouraging you, but perhaps if you just let the words flow, that person will take away a truth that will make all the difference. I know it did for me.
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EDIT:
I’m listening to the following:
Black Snake Moan (soundtrack)
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Deftones
Elvis Costello
Elvis Presley
Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Fleetwood Mac
George Harrison
Joy Division
Marvin Gaye
Meatloaf
Sly & The Family Stone
Stevie Wonder
Television
The Clash
The Kraftwerk
The Stone Roses
…any suggestions, comments or critiques? Let me know.
we hold these truths to be self-evident…!
There are many things in this life that are therapeutic:
1. Playing bass guitar (I’m enjoying this more and more and more lately)
2. Playing Spades with friends
3. Watching 30 Rock
4. Eating good Mexican food
5. Random Youtube videos (“cat, I’m a kitty cat *wink*, and I dance, dance, dance–I dance, dance, dance!”)
6. Cheap sales at Old Navy (4 items for $33!)
7. An encouraging word from a friend
I think it’s true that God doesn’t care about whether I suffer or I’m in insurmountable pain… as long as He gets glory from whatever state I’m in. God is in the business of His glory, and everything that creation does is supposed to be directed towards His pleasure, as selfish as it sounds, well, it’s true. God wins, end of story, and He will get what He wants no matter what any of us do.
I’m learning that even if God sees fit to make my days like Sisyphus, the man who was cursed to roll a huge boulder up a mountain, and just as it would get to the top, it would fall, crush Sisyphus’s toes and he would be forced to start all over… Even if MY days look like this, God gets all the glory all day every day.
That’s it. There’s nothing else. There’s no pain or self-loathing… only the glory of God.
This is the truth I have been missing.
fragmentation
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Is your heart filled with pain?
Shall I come back again?
Tell me dear,
Are you lonesome tonight?
Elvis Presley – Are You Lonesome Tonight? (click to download)
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Today’s post is just going to be a series of fragments of thoughts:
1. I need to be doing something different, because whatever this is, it just isn’t working.
2. Documentary “Taxi to the Dark Side” (Academy Award Winner 2007) will break your heart.
3. I wish all Loch shows were as fun as the one tonight.
4. I wish I knew how to really play guitar.
5. It’s ridiculous when I have to be some VIP to actually get you to talk to me. You think you’re so elite, don’t you?
6. I hit Ben Carpenter in the face 4 times with the Whataburger numbers.
7. I made 3 A’s and 3 B’s this semester… I think I did well considering, well, considering.
8. I enjoy the simple things in life.
9. I have rediscovered the awe that the band Battles induces upon listening.
10. I have superb friends.
11. I am the weakest I have ever been.
12. My acoustic guitar has a broken nut, and this proves to be difficult for playing when the guitar is tuned to a perpetual state of EADG#BE.
13. So many people get exactly what they want and exactly what they need.
14. I need to stop biting my fingernails… my fingers always hurt after a concert because they are too short.
15. I need my own recording studio, pronto.
16. I need to devour the contents of the Bible.
I guess I have words to say, come to think of it:
I think it’s funny how I am a person focused on and driven by the power of music. People know that I watch me a good handful of movies (not as much lately, but still), and I feel reasonably educated in the realm of movies. When it comes to music, I still feel at a loss. Seriously, there is so much stuff that I don’t know… and this is me still talking about rock music. I love classical music, hymns, guitar-anything, etc., but I’m mainly focused on rock music.
I’m just now listening to the following:
Elvis Presley
The Stone Roses
George Harrison
Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Fleetwood Mac
Joy Division
Marvin Gaye
Stevie Wonder
Television
Sly & The Family Stone
Kraftwerk
The Clash
Meat Loaf
Elvis Costello
Creedence Cleerwater Revival
Buckethead
Fatboy Slim
I’m missing out on so much. What am I going to do?
just because.
If I were you, I’d better watch out
When was the last time you did anything
Not for me or any one else
Just because, just because?
You, you really should have known
Yeah you, you really should have known
Just because, just because
You got the most
But nobody loves you
Nobody has to
Just because, just because
Jane’s Addiction – Just Because (click to download)
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I’m like a hinge–going back in forth on my view of humanity.
Once again, I am very disappointed with people. This feeling continues to affirm that I am ready to leave this city and live elsewhere. Austin is a nice place, I hear. I really am open to whatever possibility, but I do have a few ideas of what I might expect come graduation December 2009.
Why are people so insincere? Why do people not care about real feelings and genuine conversations? No one seems to care anymore. What’s sad is that I’m referring to “Christians” that lack these traits. I think it’s pretty rough out there, to be perfectly honest. Most people aren’t serious-minded or they have no idea what they’re talking about.
Maybe Modest Mouse got it all wrong when they said, “I know that starting over is not what life’s all about.”
Perhaps I should. Even without making a formal declaration, I feel like my life has started over. I’ve lost a whole slew of friendships, and I have made many new ones, as well. There are a couple friendships I definitely did not expect to form, but they have proved to be essential to my survival throughout this year. I don’t know what I’ll do when I saddle on from this place. What type of people will I meet? Will I love those new people as much as I love these few down here in lowly Beaumont, TX?
Just ask yourself (as I, in turn, ask myself), when was the last time you did something, not for somebody (to gain something for yourself), but just because? When was the last time you thought about how much you had to lose, and that as such you had to live every unfolding moment with gratitude and complete care?
Life, to me, is now a precious jewel. Even if my jewel is oblong, small and (to others) unnoticeable, it’s my portion that I’m taking care of while I’m alive. I once thought that this piece was insignificant and replaceable, but I have since then learned that my portion in this life is exactly as I was destined to possess it. There MUST be no such lull in my life where I look back and wonder why I needlessly wasted my time, or why I gave up my portion for some sort of “fix”, a hit of the next best thing.
I’m so ready to love humanity, and to find people that I can just love and depend on, but Michael and I are quickly realizing that so few people are trustworthy or genuine. It’s rather disconcerting to think that, as Christians, there is an actual possibility of being lonely, but I’m doing my best to put off the most honest vibe I can give. I’ll be there first to admit I’m prone to make many mistakes, but I am not proud of them, and I try to make the best of it and never do it again.
Just think if the whole world gave up on you for any mistake you made. I think you’d be a little less condescending.
Maybe it sounds like a rant, or that perhaps I am rambling, but just let it be known that I love my fellow man. I have met the most amazing people in my lifetime, and I’m just 21 years old. I’d be foolish to say that the good times are come and gone, ’cause I know there’s more time to do so much.
I really want a house with a recording studio in it. That’s all I’d ever do. I’d have this voluminous output of music, and I would record all my friends probably for free, and I would all the struggling musicians who I felt deserved a proper, fighting chance. I want this to happen…
“here’s looking at you, kid”
And where in the hell did you go with my toothbrush?
And where in the hell did you happen to spend last night?
Reverend Horton Heat – Where in the Hell Did You Go with My Toothbrush? (click to download)
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As much as I dog humanity, I must say that there are some people that I think that “get it”.
There are those that I meet that have such a sweet demeanor, and I can’t help but feel great compassion for them. These people “get it”.
Some people seem to get exactly what they want, exactly what they need, and it’s just so apparent to everybody and their Mom that this person is jet-set for life. These people “get it”.
There are those that walk boldly, confidently, even if they lack outstanding characteristics. These ones are solid, and they are rarely broken down. These people “get it”.
There are couples, a boy and a girl, who just seem to fit coherently and valiantly, and their relationship gives the rest of us hope. These people “get it”. People like Tyler and Jenai Hamilton give me hope.
This is a shout out to those of you that “get it”. I see you around, and you may not know I think these things about you, but that’s fine. There really are the most beautiful people out there if you’re looking for the right kinds of things.
And I love the Reverend Horton Heat. The closest to country I’ve ever ventured.
– I kind of like the blank way I fill up my life –
Today is the first day in a very long time for me that I have felt sorrowful and despairing over something not pertaining to my former relationship. I say that to emphasize the sudden gravity of the situation (one that’s only in my head, but it’s still there nonetheless).
I’m disgusted with the human condition. I don’t know if a veil was lifted before my eyes today or what, but everything seemed to be so much darker and edgier. It’s like all the outlines of the scenery today were etched out with the blade of a knife. I don’t know what happened that got me here.
People are transparent, fake and insincere. People make so many assumptions, and nobody stops to use their brain anymore. I’m as guilty as the next with making moronic decisions and saying terrible, heinous things to people, but usually the buck stops there. People are truly terrifying, and I feel like a fish out of water.
It’s not that I think I’m so much better than everybody else, but I just feel like I don’t belong here anymore. I stepped out from Narrow tonight just to ask God why I felt so agitated. I asked Him to help me learn from this so that I can glorify Him better. He said nothing to me, it seems. I’m trying to make everything all about Him, and by that I will learn to be truly selfless and understanding.
I am scared, tired and underprepared… as I heard it once said. I don’t believe in us at the moment. I think I need out of America. I am truly beginning to think I need out.
when it hit’s you
…there’s no denying it.
Let me just apologize to everyone for the conduct of MANkind. Males are truly despicable, and I’m all for giving up on the human condition. I know that females can be just as manipulative, scathing, insincere and floozy as boys, but somehow the brunt of what they do seems minimized in my mind because men are macho fiends. (Most) men are boring, unoriginal, obsessive and moronic.
Seriously, I’m ashamed of everybody.
I am SO not content with the condition of who I am. I see all my faults in my plain view, and I feel unready for a lot of things in my life. I’m lowly and depraved just like the rest of you. I hate to compare myself for fear of degrading myself or inflating my ego, but really I’m just disappointed in the conduct of people (and myself).
If I were a girl with a decent head on my shoulders, I’d be afraid of spending the rest of my alone… because guys suck really bad.
Just a little thought, I suppose. And I hate alcohol, too. That’ll be for another blog, I suppose.
