Radiohead – Idioteque
one month and three days later
I once heard it said, “You try the best you can, you try the best you can. The best you can is good enough.”
I learned tonight that this is not always true. Sometimes you do your best, and it really is the best, but it doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, I’m a bit overwhelmed with emotion right now, but that has been the case for a good part of my life.
Life is entirely too long and too difficult for it to remain like this.
Being too close to people is going to be the death of me.
I tried
I’ll be honest, I’m very lonely right now.
I’m punished for these sins until I forget what happened.
Sufjan Stevens has never made me feel so down (until now).
There’s nothing I can do to be well?
My Mom is having surgery in Houston tomorrow, and so I’m house-sitting for the next three days. I’m home alone, and I just had a little breakdown, as you can probably tell. Then I sat down at my parent’s piano and played my favorite hymn “My Tribute” and another great hymn “Be Thou My Vision”. I just played, sat and wept uncontrollably.
I beg and plead that God will reveal Himself to me. I’m a damaged man, and I am torn apart by my mistakes. Justice is what I have been feeling, but I still ask for mercy.
Lyrics to My Tribute:
How can I say thanks
for the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved.
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to You.
To God be the glory, to God be the glory.
To God be the glory for the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me. With His power He has raised me.
To God be the glory for the things He has done.
—————————————————————————————–———————-———–
Upon giving a listen to Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, I feel a bit revived. Pausing calmly and waiting for a word from God, whether or not He offers one, calms you down if you’ve got your head on straight.
it’s quite simple –> you’ve thrown me for a loop.
Tell me that you love me lady one more time
One more time slowly
Til then I will float in silence gingerly
Consuming energy
Maybe you could stay, just one more little day
This time it would be nice if you could fight back
Mellowdrone – Orange Marmalade
gratitude.
Despite anything that happens here on out, there’s one feeling that continues to rise to the surface:
. gratitude .
Every nightmare, tragedy, failure, weakness, flaw and handicap of mine has led me to gratitude.
Every dream, blessing, success, strength, trait and talent of mine has led me to gratitude.
There is just so much beauty in the world. And I find myself surrounded by the most beautiful people. Some seem to be too lovely and too amazing, so I think I’ll just count my blessings.
Bless you all. You mean the world to me.
Can there be MORE truths to learn?
I remember when my friend Michael said (half-joking, but still…), “Man, I’m a douche bag!”
My point is, there’s this terrible feeling where all you can do is marvel over your readily apparent stupidity. That’s what I am going through right now. All I can do is marvel over how simple-minded, go-through-the-motions and ultimately insincere I truly am.
It’s really an interesting thing, guys, and not altogether unhealthy.
I’m learning pieces of lessons as I progress through the year. My God, how my life has started over, and I am learning and unlearning all kinds of things. Let’s talk about the thing that hit me today:
Quoth Wikipedia:
“The word “faith“, translated from the Greek πιστις (pi’stis), was primarily used in the New Testament with the Greek perfect tense and translates as a noun-verb hybrid.”
The word faith is a noun-verb hybrid as written in the Greek New Testament. The English language does not accurately convey the full meaning of the word faith. The idea of faith is that it is the action form of the word belief. Not only do you have faith, but you also live and act faith.
My point is that I only have this noun-like faith in God. There’s no action because when it comes down to brass tax, do I actually believe that God would ever use me like he did David, Job or Paul? I’ll tell you my answer. I have never actually believed in my heart that God would ever use me for some great purpose. I have felt overlooked and ill equipped for my entire, but I’m seeing this as the time to reverse some of the life-hindering “beliefs”.
Also, why would God ever give me anything if I never believed that He would give it to me? It probably sounds strange to you to think that I would live my life believing that God “truly” cared about everybody except for me, but that’s how it has been.
Like I said in my previous post: there is no pain and there is no self-loathing, there is only the glory of God. It’s my ambition to give God glory in the silence, pain and frustration. Will God be proud of me in this time where I feel at a loss? Will I believe as the noun-verb hybrid word faith suggests?
I think that I will.
I think that God doesn’t want me to be happy. I think He wants me to learn… and perhaps I’ve made the error in thinking that every lesson I may “want” to learn should come easy. If I’m earnestly seeking God and humbly at that, then God will take it easy on me. Lies upon lies.
There was a word uttered to me by my friend Logan (who is a girl…), and it encouraged me so. I didn’t think that it would, and it’s not that I didn’t want to be encouraged, but most people will only say “fluff” when it comes to encouraging you, but perhaps if you just let the words flow, that person will take away a truth that will make all the difference. I know it did for me.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
EDIT:
I’m listening to the following:
Black Snake Moan (soundtrack)
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Deftones
Elvis Costello
Elvis Presley
Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Fleetwood Mac
George Harrison
Joy Division
Marvin Gaye
Meatloaf
Sly & The Family Stone
Stevie Wonder
Television
The Clash
The Kraftwerk
The Stone Roses
…any suggestions, comments or critiques? Let me know.
we hold these truths to be self-evident…!
There are many things in this life that are therapeutic:
1. Playing bass guitar (I’m enjoying this more and more and more lately)
2. Playing Spades with friends
3. Watching 30 Rock
4. Eating good Mexican food
5. Random Youtube videos (“cat, I’m a kitty cat *wink*, and I dance, dance, dance–I dance, dance, dance!”)
6. Cheap sales at Old Navy (4 items for $33!)
7. An encouraging word from a friend
I think it’s true that God doesn’t care about whether I suffer or I’m in insurmountable pain… as long as He gets glory from whatever state I’m in. God is in the business of His glory, and everything that creation does is supposed to be directed towards His pleasure, as selfish as it sounds, well, it’s true. God wins, end of story, and He will get what He wants no matter what any of us do.
I’m learning that even if God sees fit to make my days like Sisyphus, the man who was cursed to roll a huge boulder up a mountain, and just as it would get to the top, it would fall, crush Sisyphus’s toes and he would be forced to start all over… Even if MY days look like this, God gets all the glory all day every day.
That’s it. There’s nothing else. There’s no pain or self-loathing… only the glory of God.
This is the truth I have been missing.
this is all you’ll get from me
“This time, this time–it’s tough.
Well here I am and now and I think I’ve had enough.”
Phantom Planet – Big Brat
Friends Are Nice
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Ooo, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
The Beatles – With a Little Help From My Friends (click to download)
———————————————————————————————————————–
I am very grateful for my growing group of friends. I did so enjoy the company of Daniel Carpenter, Paul Carpenter, Michael Campbell, Raegan Grantham, Logan Denton, Emily Jacobson, and newcomers Reagin, Chasity and Natalie.
I was walking through my backyard today, and I was overcome with grief. If you had seen my backyard, say, 10 years ago, you would have seen this thick forest. Two hurricanes later, the backyard seems almost barren. I think we’ve lost at least 60-70 big trees back there on our 1.5 acre lot. I don’t know if you know, but I’m in love with the outdoors as of late. I want to grab her by the hand and just explore some woods. I want to take to the hills and climb a mountain in Colorado. I want to road trip to California. I really do get depressed thinking about all these things that I would love to do, but to know I’ll not be able to experience them in that way. My Mom told me that my next door neighbor was praying over her trees the day of the hurricane. I do feel like I’ve lost a few friends.
You know who makes mediocre films? Cameron Crowe. Dazed and Confused (wrote but not directed, I know)? Singles? Elizabethtown? Say Anything? Vanilla Sky? Mediocre films, but he does have some nice soundtracks (check out Vanilla Sky’s soundtrack). I haven’t seen Jerry Maguire in many, many years (it was before I started taking film-making seriously), and Almost Famous is his best film as far as I can tell. Still, Almost Famous is sometime too close to a “feel-good” film.
So, I told God I’d embrace any message He was trying to get across to me in my sleep if that was indeed the case. As it turns out, I didn’t have a nightmare last night like I did for the last two nights (as detailed in my last two blog entries). I don’t remember even dreaming at all. I sometimes fear that when I ask things of God, that perhaps I’m being too needy or that I’m stretching out my palm expecting too much. Derek Webb wrote a song “Wedding Dress” that says:
If You could love me as a wife
For my wedding gift, Your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
Or is there more that I’m looking for?
Could You love this bastard child,
Though I don’t trust You to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold,
And with the other in Your side
I love the bold intensity of Derek Webb’s lyrics. Anyway, I’m just trying to figure out where I stand with my desires (Psalm 37:4) and being patient. I’m just trying to do the right things day in and day out. I’m trying to start fresh and carry on responsibly. I’m trying to take my sin very seriously.
Nightmares, Alcohol and Posters… oh my!
Walking up the hill tonight
And you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn’t have to make
All those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient
And know that I’m still learning
I’m sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning
Where are you my angel now
Don’t you see me crying?
And I know that you can’t do it all
But you can’t say I’m not trying
Marketa Irglova – The Hill (click to download)
—————————————————————————————————————————
It happened again last night. I don’t really understand the purpose, nor do I claim to understand its impact on me. I had one of those nights where for a long time all I did was call out to God, pray, get scared and give it all to Him. We talked about a lot of things, yes we did. Even still, this is what happened:
I had another nightmare. This time, in my dream, I’m on my cell phone, and I’m talking to her as I walk around Bevil Oaks. I’m telling her about my struggles, and, like in the song, I wish I didn’t have to make all those mistakes in order to be wise. From her, all I get is laughter. She is mocking me, telling me every way that I had fouled things up. In particular, this phrase “…and then I found out!” (referring to something I once kept from her that she found out about and confronted me on–true story) keeps replaying itself in my mind. It was accompanied by the most shrill laughter that haunts me at my very core.
Then I awoke.
I just don’t understand. It really puts me in a sad mood right now, but I am excited to go to Calvary Baptist Church in a bit. That is going to be encouraging to me.
I think I really need a spiritual mentor. I need someone that can pour themselves into me so that I can be a more thorough Christian. I just need that one-on-one time that can build people up. It’s just that I think it needs to be someone older than me, and I have no idea who that could be. I am going to keep praying about this.
Phew, I feel so tired. I feel like I’ve been running all night from someone that’s been chasing me. I think I’ll go do something else now.
EDIT:
I’ve now tried it all: wine, champagne, beer, liquor, margaritas… and what is the verdict?
I hate it all. I’d rather drink Tussin DM (that’s cough syrup, people!).
EDIT 2:
Guess what I got in the mail today? ))
That’s right. I got that poster in the mail. It’s going up in my dorm, along with the following posters:
(sorry this one is so bad; can’t find a better pictures. these critters are the infamous Radiohead Bear drawings as created for Radiohead’s 2000 album Kid A… here’s a better look at what it looks like)
I think it’s just so cute!
Diversity of Publication (and my first nightmare)
Well I guess that your parents must have raised
Themselves a strictly pious daughter
‘Cause you move through this crowd
Just like parted water.
Oh you dress so nice
You dress to kill
They drop like flies
But who’s the funeral for?
Phantom Planet – After Hours (click to download)
————————————————————————————————————————
Part of the purpose of the blog is to inform people of things that I think about. That really is the smallest purpose of these posts. I really don’t care if the whole world reads this or if no one does, but I will write out my thoughts in order to help me cope with them. I just want to make sure you know this isn’t necessarily all about anyone in particular. The reason I do this is just so that I can simply organize thoughts in my head and put them down in a way that (hopefully) clears things up for me… or it simply allows me to vent to a world of my own.
Please allow me to get a little emotionally romantic right now.
I had a dream last night–more like a nightmare, really. I was with her, and she was so happy to see me. I remember we kissed, and her radiant smile made me weak at the knees. We spent a most beautiful evening together and then we got to talking. She told me, “Daniel, I’m so glad that you’ve changed for the better, and I can see that you are a much better person and that you truly love people, but that doesn’t mean I am going to love you.”
Then I awoke in a panic. In my dream, I was emotionally destroyed, and I felt like part of that carried over to when I woke.
I haven’t remembered a dream of mine in what feels like ages (I rarely ever do). It was just about two days prior that I was talking to Phil and how he has dreams that act almost like prophecies, and it really seems that they are. Then I have a dream about something like this. God knows that I still have so much to learn, but this almost feels like a taunt.
I really am happy, the happiest I’ve ever been in fact, but I am still so scared. I am still very weak, and I try to depend on God. I do, and then He helps me, and then when I get afraid, the cycle repeats.
I’m clinging a lot to the books of Psalms and Proverbs as of late in order to understand the scenarios of defeat, victory and humbly pursuing wisdom. My God, how I need strength, wisdom, peace, patience and joy.
In the words of the song “I Just Don’t Want Coffee” by Caedmon’s Call:
I have no ideas of what to do
‘Cause something’s changed today
And what it is I just can’t say
And if I don’t seem okay… well, I’m okay
EDIT:
I want everybody to know that I love you. I’ve had some truly great times as of late, and my friends are one of the bigger parts of that.
And if you don’t know me, just talk to me. I am at a point in my life where I’m all about meeting new people and just loving each other as humans. I care about people that much.
