sometimes you just have the worst of days

then just a few days your world flips back to the way it was… rightside up

ah, that feels a lot better

watch “Let the Right One In”

one month and three days later

I once heard it said, “You try the best you can, you try the best you can. The best you can is good enough.”

I learned tonight that this is not always true. Sometimes you do your best, and it really is the best, but it doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, I’m a bit overwhelmed with emotion right now, but that has been the case for a good part of my life.

Life is entirely too long and too difficult for it to remain like this.

Being too close to people is going to be the death of me.

I will post this song later, but here’s the basic idea: Starting in high school, I spent about the first five years of my life with a group of people who were never very true to me. We fell apart eventually, and I’ve moved on and made better friendships. Looking back at that time in my life, this song speaks clearly what that all means:

Caught in a stasis,
Feel like I’ve wasted all this time
With people and places
Who’ve never related or desired

…And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead — Wasted State of Mind

I’m not so known
As I’d like to think I am
Though I’ll be found
Forever in your pain
And here it comes

I’d rather be no one than someone with no one.
I’d rather be no one than someone with no one.
No one to love.

I’m just useless for her.
Yeah, useless for her.

The Stone Roses – Here It Comes (click to download)

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I know why I’m sometimes unhappy:

1) I’m often at a loss as to how my heart can be made to feel less damaged

2) I really hate college and want to be done with it all

3) People are cruel, and they are bent on the moral decay of themselves and the church (here’s to you all you alcoholic youth pastors in Beaumont and around the world)

Often times I am happy:

1) I’ve got wonderful, caring friends

2) Music, movies, massages and head scratches are therapeutic and relaxing

3) I have a strong love for my family

There it is.

I’ll be honest, I’m very lonely right now.

I’m punished for these sins until I forget what happened.

Sufjan Stevens has never made me feel so down (until now).

There’s nothing I can do to be well?

My Mom is having surgery in Houston tomorrow, and so I’m house-sitting for the next three days. I’m home alone, and I just had a little breakdown, as you can probably tell. Then I sat down at my parent’s piano and played my favorite hymn “My Tribute” and another great hymn “Be Thou My Vision”. I just played, sat and wept uncontrollably.

I beg and plead that God will reveal Himself to me. I’m a damaged man, and I am torn apart by my mistakes. Justice is what I have been feeling, but I still ask for mercy.

Lyrics to My Tribute:

How can I say thanks
for the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved.
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to You.

To God be the glory, to God be the glory.
To God be the glory for the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me. With His power He has raised me.
To God be the glory for the things He has done.

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Upon giving a listen to Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, I feel a bit revived. Pausing calmly and waiting for a word from God, whether or not He offers one, calms you down if you’ve got your head on straight.

How come I end up where I started
How come I end up where I went wrong
Won’t take my eyes off the ball again
First you reel me out and then you cut the string.

You used to be alright
What happened?
Did the cat get your tongue?
Did your string come undone?

Radiohead – 15 Step (click to download)

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I am becoming a terrible college student. This is practically my third day of MWF classes to skip, and it’s just the end of the third week.

I have the following schedule:

COSC 3302 – Computer Theory
COSC 3304 – Algorithm Design and Analysis
CPSC 4360 – Software Engineering
COSC 4302 – Operating Systems
MATH 4380 – Theory of Statistical Inference
MATH 4330 – Linear Algebra II

Kill me now, kids. I am tired all the time. I have classes and homework all the time. Somebody tell me I’m almost done with college, so that I can be encouraged and keep going.

The only two good things about this is that I’m going to graduate in a year and that my last semester will (hopefully and probably) be my easiest/least stressful semester. I think I’ll be taking 12 hours that semester, and I’ve taken 17-20 hours every semester of college so far.

I’ve gone to school non-stop since Fall of 2006… all the summers and full semesters you could ever dream of. I’m so tired of all this business. I want into the real world… pronto.

Well, friends. I’m done for now. Just sharing that I’m struggling with school, it’s not been my friend.

A lot of things haven’t been my friend lately, but when people fall by the wayside willingly, there’s not always something to be done for them. When they’re gone, they’re gone. Better hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, or at least that you learned something along the way.

I am head-over-heels in love with music. I am in love with how such immediate pleasures of varying complexities can move my soul.

I bought a $249.99 Companion 3 Bose Computer Sound System at Best Buy yesterday. Here it is:

This thing sounds terrific, and it helped bring my mood to the highest place. God created music, and I relish in that gift from God. Seriously, I am not even close to being grateful for all that music is, and I know I should tell God every day that I love Him for it.

Blake and I just spent an hour listening to music such as:
Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc
Phantom Planet – Big Brat
Radiohead – Everything In Its Right Place
Radiohead – Bodysnatchers
Radiohead – House of Cards
Radiohead – The National Anthem
Radiohead – Exit Music (For a Film)
Muse – Hysteria
Muse – Apocalypse Please
Spoon – Back to the Life
White Stripes – Icky Thump
Rage Against the Machine – Ashes in the Fall
Rage Against the Machine – Testify
Dandy Warhols – Nietzsche
U2 – Beautiful Day
U2 – Elevation
Bloc Party – Ares
Bloc Party – Positive Tension
Year of the Rabbit – Hunted
Sufjan Stevens – Chicago
Sufjan Stevens – The Seer’s Tower
Led Zeppelin – Black Dog
Led Zeppelin – Dazed and Confused

…and so much more. I can’t believe how good of a time I just had. I have an obvious and an undeniable love for music, and I shall carry it to my grave, no doubt. I sure do hope that my children love music as much as I do, if not more, and I know I’ll have to encourage them for it, but I’ll never force them to love what I love.

What a good day. What a marvelous day this is turning out to be, and it’s only 10:30 AM.

“Christians” are unhappy because they think their life is their own.

They think that they deserve to have things happen their own way.

I’m trying to let go of all preconceived notions and just allow myself to live without hindrances.

There are so many superfluous details that occupy my time that ought not be there.

I wish to put up my keyboard in my dorm and just write until the morning light.

I wish to have a recording studio to put my thoughts in sound-form.

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“Yeah, I’ll hit the bottom, I’ll hit the bottom and escape… escape.”
Radiohead — Weird Fishes/Arpeggi

I’m saying goodbye to my old baggage. I’m moving on and going for something different now. I think it’s only fitting now that I’m a different person, and a good chunk of people don’t really know who I am anymore. Might as well be saying goodbye in order to say hello to some newer things in this life.

-Daniel

Tell me that you love me lady one more time
One more time slowly
Til then I will float in silence gingerly
Consuming energy

Maybe you could stay, just one more little day
This time it would be nice if you could fight back

Mellowdrone – Orange Marmalade